


Allodynia

by The_Forgotten_Nobody



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, M/M, Pre-Relationship, Self-Harm, Soulmate AU, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-26
Updated: 2018-03-26
Packaged: 2019-04-08 14:33:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14107440
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Forgotten_Nobody/pseuds/The_Forgotten_Nobody
Summary: A response to the prompt 'Tree Bros “you can feel whatever pain or physical feeling your soulmate feels”'





	Allodynia

**Author's Note:**

> I got this prompt on tumblr and posted an initial response there. This is the touched up version with some changes :)

Evan is fourteen the first time he feels sharp pain lashing across his arms.  Feeling pain that’s not is own is nothing new; Evan had been taught about the odd connection between soulmates when he was in pre-school.  No, what’s new is the intensity of this pain.  It’s different to the time when he thinks his soulmate fractured their wrist.  This pain is thinner, more localized, more… _deliberate_.

Before this point, Evan has never tried to communicate with his soulmate before, like others have.  His soulmate hasn’t tried either so Evan’s never felt too bad about letting his anxiety getting in the way.  Now, though, he wonders if that was a mistake.  Before he can let his nerves stop him, Evan pinches himself, the sting nearly as sharp as the phantom pain that almost immediately vanishes.  Even with the heart-ache he feels for his soulmate, Evan sighs in relief, grateful that he’s able to offer this at least, a reminder that they’re not alone.

Despite knowing that the strength of their connection means they must live near, Evan doesn’t try to seek out his soulmate.  He doesn’t, however, go back to completely ignoring them.  After that first incident, Evan finds that his pinches have, at best, a 50% success rate.

* * *

When Evan is fifteen, his stomach suddenly starts rolling and it feels like he can’t breathe.  At first he thinks it’s a panic attack, one that quickly convinces him he’s about to die, but then he remembers his body is not just his own.  He shares it with another, unhappy, person. 

Evan has feared for himself, has feared for his mom, but the fear he feels then, for this stranger he’s not even met but he has been bonded to for some cosmic reason, trounces both of those.  What’s worse is that he’s utterly helpless.  He can’t just magically know who his soulmate is; he can’t find out where they are, what’s going on.  All he can do is role with the sensations as they come, holding desperately onto the hope that they don’t disappear completely. 

They don’t and later that night, once his mom has come home and assumed Evan just went to bed early, he pinches his arm so tight his eyes shut.

A few, long, heart beats later, he gets a weak pinch in return.  

* * *

Falling is the easy part; Evan realizes when he’s face down in the dirt, his arm screaming at him.  Now there are repercussions.  Not only with his mom, but with his soulmate.  Evan had deliberately not thought of them when he let go but throughout the ambulance ride, later, after he’s eventually found, they’re all that’s on his mind.

When Evan is the one to receive an inquiring pinch, he returns it with one of his own. 

It’s not enough. 

It never has been.

* * *

Evan is now seventeen and he’s pretty sure his soulmate is Connor Murphy.  The first piece of evidence had been after that night, that night where he’d been convinced he was going to lose his soulmate before he even met them.  Connor had never gone to school the next day and hadn’t come back for a long time.  Before then, Connor had never really factored much into Evan’s world, him tending to live in his own, safe, bubble but Evan had been actively looking out.  Even though the chances of his soulmate going to the same school, being in the same year, were slim he knew from their connection that they lived near each other and Connor suddenly going missing, longer than if he decided to just skip school…it felt too coincidental.  Not to mention the fact his soulmate clearly wasn’t in a good place and neither, it seemed, was Connor Murphy.

Evan had accidently seen his scars.

It hadn’t been enough evidence, however, for Evan to be sure so he simply stayed quiet, watchful.  Now, however, Evan has another hint, that hint being the way Connor is currently staring at his arm, just as he’s finished apologizing. 

“Whe-how did you do it?”

If Evan hadn’t already been wondering if Connor was his soulmate, he might have missed the aborted start.  As it was, it might as well have been a siren.   

“I…I fell.”

“Huh.”  Connor glances over at his cast again before pointedly looking away.  “No-one’s signed it.”

Hot shame flushes up the back of Evan’s neck.  If Connor _is_ his soulmate, and if Connor’s wondering if Evan might be his, he wouldn’t be surprised if Connor was just considering cutting his losses.

“I’ll do it.”

Or maybe not.  By the time Evan is broken from his stupor, Connor’s name is written in bold letters over his cast.  It feels almost like a claim of possession and Evan wonders if this is it, if they’re going to talk about it.  It’s always awkward at first, Evan’s heard, the initial meeting with your soulmate; making the connections between what you’ve felt in the past and the person before you, the person supposedly meant for you and-

“It would be easier if it was Zoe?  What the fuck is this?”

Oh no.  His letter.  His letter where he’d secretly admitted that life _would_ be easier if his soulmate was Zoe because Zoe was pretty and kind.  She was someone who wrote notes on her arms in pen during class.  Who wanted to know who her soulmate was so badly.

Connor rips up the letter and runs, not even getting to the end where Evan conceded that maybe life was hard for a reason; that it makes the reward so much more worth it.

That someone like Connor must be worth it.   

* * *

When Evan feels sick later that night, he first assumes it’s from that morning, a lingering symptom of his anxiety.  But then, the pain becomes almost crippling and he’s brought back to that night, just over a year ago.  He clutches his stomach, feels a burning inside him, and wonders if this is it.  That it’s going to be like last time and he’s going to be stuck in his room, helpless, hoping, but this time it’ll end differently and he’ll be left alone…

No, that’s not right.  It _will_ end differently but this time because Evan has an idea.  He has a chance.

When Evan picks up the phone, he prays to a God he’s not believed in till then that he’s right and that they get there in time.

* * *

Connor is missing from school but Evan doesn’t go to him.  He lets Connor heal just like he does for himself.  When Connor does eventually make it back to school, it’s him who finds Evan. 

“You saved my life,” Connor tells him as they sit side by side, hidden within a small woodland patch on the school outskirts.

“D…do you hate me?”  Evan asks.  The question has haunted him since he made that phone call; since he found out he was right.

“I did,” Connor admits.  “At first.  I don’t now.  At least, I think I don’t.”  A brief pause.  “How’d you break your arm?”

Evan bites his lip, opening an old scab.  “I let go from a tree.”

“So we’re both a bit messed up then,” Connor observes. 

“Guess so.”

“Huh.”  Connor lets his hand fall out, palm upwards.  It takes Evan a moment of blank staring before he realizes it’s not a trick and cautiously takes it.  Like with every other matched pair, they both feel the spark shoot up their arm towards their heart.  It’s the final connection taking place. Now, not only will they continue to feel each other’s pain, they’ll feel their happiness too and maybe, eventually, their love.

It takes 6 months and during that time Evan discovers Connor really is worth it all.

**Author's Note:**

> Don't forget to leave a kudos to let me know if you liked it! :D 
> 
> I'm still taking requests for one-shot ideas (I'm also taking them for malec & spider-man homecoming) so if you have anything then feel free to leave them in the comments or post to my tumblr which is scarlett-ice! If I do get any, I'll do my best to fill them :)


End file.
